There’s a difference between somebody who wants you and somebody who would do anything to keep you.
Do you ever get into an argument with someone and find yourself unable to speak for a moment because you’re just so blown away by how utterly wrong and ignorant the other person is being and you can’t understand how anyone could actually believe the things they are saying
So.. I’m listening to 8 tracks right now… The current playlist just played the song I used to cut to all the time… I balled my eyes out as I look at my arm tracing it with my finger, feeling ever scar below that I can feel. Hundreds of scars.
The worst part is, its about to be fall. And the closer it gets to winter, the more noticeable my scars are. I hate it.
I tell myself every day, every night, that I am happy. I am who I want to be, and no one can take that away from me. Even though I tell myself this all the time just to believe it for a second, I’m no longer happy. 2am comes and I’m depressed. I’m always fucking depressed. I drink and drink till I cant see a thing. I’m numb all the time and I don’t know why. And what sucks is I had a best friend who understood, who got it, who was there no matter what. Than he left. He left me to deal with this cold crappy world on my own. He left me and he didn’t say goodbye. I don’t understand. They say when you lose the love of your life, after time it becomes okay. I know people who were married and moved on when their partners die, but why can’t I move on? Why can’t I get over the fact my best friend is dead and took my heart with him? Why can’t the thought of him make me happy anymore? Why can’t I just be that happy girl I used to be. Why am I always sad? Last night I was told “Danielle, you always look so sad. Like cheer up. For the past 10 years I’ve known you, you always seems so blah, out of it, grumpy, miserable.” Its true, I’m never smiling unless I’m faking it. I used to laugh so loud, I used to be at peace. I’m not anymore. I cant take it anymore… Some mornings I wish I killed myself the night before. Staying home making my head wonder so I go out to the city, I get drunk, I come home, I sleep. I wake up and try to be happy, I try to move on, I try to be someone different. Yet I wake up, and i’m still that depressed girl… and I think thats who I always will be. Depressed. Numb. Suicidal. no matter what I do.